Indeed there is no doubt that at times during these months we went in considerable risk。 I will not set down all the stories that came to our ears； of how we were to be waylaid and shot on this occasion or on that； but an incident that I remember shows me that Shepstone at any rate thought there was something in them。 One night I and another member of the staff — I think it was Mor — were at work late； copying despatches in a room of the building which afterwards became Government House。 This room had large windows opening on to a verandah； and over these we had not drawn the curtains。 Sir Theophilus came in and scolded us； saying that we ought to remember that we made a very easy target against that lighted background。 Then he drew the curtains with his own hand。
The Volksraad met and discussed all kinds of matters； but nothing came of their labours； except the appointment of a mission to examine into the state of the country and confer with H。M。‘s Special missioner。 I attended some of their debates and remember the scene well。 They were held in a long； low room down the centre of which stood a deal table。 Round this table sat some thirty members； most of them Boers。 At the head of the room sat the Chairman at a little raised desk； by the side of which stood a chair for the use of the President of the State when he visited the Volksraad。 Among the members was Paul Kruger； then a middle…aged man with a stern； thick face and a squat figure。 At one of these sittings I obtained his autograph； a curious piece of calligraphy which I am sorry to say I have lost。 We saw a good deal of “Oom Paul” in those days； for on several occasions he visited the Special missioner。 Generally I showed him in and out； and I recollect that the man impressed me more than did any of the other Boers。
In after days I knew that Volksraad Zaal well enough； for when I became Master and Registrar of the High Court I used to sit in it just beneath the judge。
Doubtless I wrote a good many letters home at this time； but I imagine that they were destroyed either on receipt or perhaps after my mother’s death。 Four or five of them； however； my father preserved； apparently because they refer to money matters。 A little while ago my brother William8 found them when rummaging through papers at Bradenham； and kindly sent them to me。 I have just re…read them for the first time； and； as a full generation has gone by since they were written； I find the experience strange and in a sense sad。 The intervening years seem to fall away； the past arises real and vivid； and I see myself a slim； quick…faced young fellow seated in that room at Pretoria inditing these epistles which I had so long forgotten。 They are written in a much better hand than I can boast today； every word being clear and every letter well formed； which doubtless was a result of my despatch e extracts。
8 Sir Rider’s eldest brother； the late Sir W。 H。 D。 Haggard； K。C。M。G。； at that time Minister at Rio。 — Ed。
Pretoria； S。A。R。： March 13； 1877。
My dear Father； — Since my last letter matters have been rapidly advancing and drawing to a close。 The Raad； after making a last move at once futile and foolish； has prorogued itself and left matters to take their course。 Things are also looking much more peaceable； and I do not think that there will be any armed resistance。 At one time an outbreak seemed imminent； in which case we should have run a very fair chance of being potted on our own stoep。 。 。 。 I spoke a day or two ago to the Chief as to my taking home the despatches； and he told me that he could not send me as the bearer of the despatches； 1st： because it was no longer done except through foreign territories； 2nd： because I might be delayed on the road by sickness or accidents； and that in performing a long journey of the sort a mail…bag had a better chance of getting safely and swiftly to its destination than a messenger。 “But；” he said； “I will send you with the despatches and with credentials to the Colonial authorities； empowering you to give such information as my despatches do not and cannot contain； which is a great deal” （Sir T。 is not a voluminous writer）； “and in this way you will be a living despatch。”
This is perhaps not quite so good as taking the actual letters； since I shall not get my expenses； but as far as regards other things it will answer my purpose equally well。 It will be something to my name in case I wish or am obliged at any future time to avail myself of it。 Besides it is indirectly a great pliment to myself。 Any young fellow can carry despatches； but it is not for everybody of my age and short experience who would be trusted to give private information on so important a subject as the unexpected annexation of a splendid territory as large as Great Britain； information which may very probably be made use of in Parliament。 Since I have been here I have done my best to study the question and to keep myself informed as to every detail； and I get my reward in this manner 。 。 。 。
I think that I shall e home via the Cape。 It will be a stiff journey； 1200 miles in a post…cart； but it will be a thing to have done； and I want if possible to get to London at the same time as despatches announcing the Annexation。 When the Proclamation will go I cannot say； but I think it will be in the course of the next fortnight。 We received news to…night that the troops and guns are on the way to Newcastle。 I shall start by mail following the issue of the Proclamation。
We are going on as usual here working in the dark （we are beginning to emerge now） and waiting the result。 It has been an anxious business； but I think that we are all right now。
I had rather that my letters were not shown； as we do not quite know what line the Home Government is going to take； and I have spoken pretty plainly。 ＇All these letters to which I refer here are missing。 — H。 R。 H。＇
It was after my return from Secocoeni’s and； I think； within a day or two of the Proclamation being issued； that I received that harsh epistle from my father of which I have written earlier in this book； that； as I have said； caused me at the last moment not to start for England。 It was a very foolish act on my part； as the reader who studies the facts will see。 I should have remembered that when he wrote his letter my father could not have known that I was ing home in this important position； namely to give viva…voce information to Lord Carnarvon as to all the circumstances connected with the Annexation。 Nor； although I have little doubt that my mother and my sister Mary； now Baroness A。 d’Ahan； were privy to the secret and private reasons for my journey； to which I have also already alluded； was he perhaps aware of them。 However； so I acted in my hurt pride and anger； and there the thing remains。 I may say in excuse of this want of judgment that I was very young； only twenty； and that I had to make up my mind on the spot while； as the Zulus say； “my heart was cut in two。”
Moreover I repeat my belief that the finger of Fate was at work in the matter； how and why perhaps we should have to go back； or forward； ages or aeons to explain。 Years ago I came to the conclusion that our individual lives and the accidents which influence