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每当嘉娜从午后小憩中醒来,她都会很高兴地看着我,对着我露出灿烂的笑容。而我也会微笑着看着她,此时此刻我能感受到的是,自己脸上的笑容正是您脸上所展现出来的微笑,那正是以往的某个早晨醒来时,我经常在您的脸上看到的。有时候,每当嘉娜做了一些特别可爱的动作时,我都会抬头去看加利,我们之间相互交换的眼神就好像坐在餐桌两端的您和父亲的四目相对。直到今天,我才体会到这其中所蕴含的深情厚谊。
每当我紧紧地抱着嘉娜,低下头去看我紧紧抱在她胸前的手;或者是当她熟睡时,我为她轻轻掖好毯子,触摸她的脸庞时,我都会看到您的双手(那双有着椭圆形光滑指甲的手,那双辛勤持家、从容不迫而又能干体贴的手)也在做着同样的事情。于是我就会感到,仿佛此时自己的手中就握着您传递给我的母爱和安全感。而如今,我又把它给了嘉娜。
前几天,嘉娜在我的臂弯里沉沉地睡着。我必定花了足足15到20 分钟的时间来欣赏她。我为她那麦色的秀发,柔滑的肌肤以及那睡梦中动来动去的小红嘴唇而惊奇。一种激动之情从我的全身掠过,爱、赞叹、关心、幸运以及更多的复杂情感交织在一起,令我觉得心潮澎湃。我猛然记起去年夏天,我在您的脸上所看到的某种神情,那个时候,嘉娜刚出生不久,我回家去探望你们。
我们坐在后院的秋千上。那是一个非常可爱的早晨,树荫下凉爽宜人,空气中还弥漫着阵阵幽香,那是从您种满玫瑰的花园里飘过来的。我抱着嘉娜,秋千缓缓地摇摆似乎让她感觉十分惬意。
但是,那时的我却没有一点兴致。前一天晚上,我简直累坏了。嘉娜只有6个星期大,而且每隔几个小时都要哭闹一次。而我,就像初为人母的人一样,既烦躁又紧张,在给她喂奶的间歇里,我很难再次入睡。我变得狂躁不安,身心疲惫,对为人之母提不起半点兴致。
就那样,我们坐在秋千上交谈着——换句话说,是我在说。我把我所感到的焦虑和失望统统向您倾诉。然而突然之间,您伸手摸了摸我的头发。
“简直美极了。”您说着,脸上还浮现出一丝奇怪的表情。“太阳就这样照过去……我从未注意到你有这么多红得发亮的头发。”书包 网 。 想看书来
亲爱的母亲(2)
当时,我有一点窘迫,脑子里仍然想着其他烦心事,因此,我只是耸耸肩,对您的赞美不以为然。我不记得当时自己说了些什么,不过一定都是一些简短的、不以为然的回答。我挥了挥手,就这样回绝了您的赞美。事实上,您的这番话打动了我。长久以来,再没有人能注意到我身上的那种真正的美丽之处了,我开心极了。
时至今日,我才明白原来那天您看我的眼神就是如今我几乎天天看嘉娜的眼神。这令我浮想联翩:在我的身上,您还能看到奇迹吗,如同我在嘉娜身上看到的?而这种魔力在孩子们长大成人,离开家庭并为人父母之后是否还会存在?再过30年,我看嘉娜时还会有今日这般似潮涌动的爱意吗?
每当想到这份爱,总会让人心痛。这份感情太容易受到伤害,也太脆弱。我深深地懂得日复一日父母与孩子们之间所出现的各种代沟、摩擦、误解、每天都会发生的冲突和斗争以及不可避免地脱离家庭并最终独立的过程。终有一天,小嘉娜也会长大。她也会如我一般,对来自母亲的试探性的爱的表白视而不见。每当想到这里,我都会伤心不已。
在经历了最初的、强烈的爱的冲动之后,到底发生了什么呢?是丢在一路走来的某个地方了,还是埋藏在了养育孩子不断成长的日常生活中了?或许它就在那里,一直埋藏在心里,没有表白。直至,或许直至一个新生儿的诞生,直至一个母亲伸手去触摸自己女儿的胎发?
在我看来,这就是一个真正的奇迹:通过这种方式,母爱再一次被发现、重复,并一代接一代地传承下去——就像在我们的生活中,它从您的手中递到我的手中,又从我这里给了嘉娜。或许还会从嘉娜那里传给她的子孙们。它本身就是一种馈赠。
我觉得,长久以来,我想对您说的就是:谢谢您,母亲。
生命中有一种爱是最深沉的、最浓郁的,那就是母爱。母爱有无数的方式,简简单单的一句话,一个微笑,一个点头……在凡俗的生活中,母亲正是以一些芥微小事来震撼我们的心灵。
Dear Mom
Christine Goold
After thirty years; I am finally beginning to appreciate the mother you have been to me. Although Jana is only ten months old; I feel I have learned more about you in the short time since her birth than in all my years of growing up and breaking away。
As I go about my new life of caring for Jana; I constantly wonder; how on earth did you do it? You; who raised not one; not two; but six children。 I’m still feeling shock waves from the change and upheaval one child has made in my life; and I know that what I have experienced so far is only a glimpse; the barest hint; of all you went through raising us。
“You learn to sacrifice when you have children。” was one of your stock phrases when I was growing up。 To you; sacrifice was a necessary virtue; an accepted part of parenthood。 But I didn’t go for that。 I considered sacrifice1 not only unnecessary; but unfashionable and downright unappealing as well。
Well; Mom; what can I say? I’m learning。
Lately; I’ve begun to look on motherhood as an initiation into “real life”。 I don’t think I realized until Jana’s birth that the life I’d led previously—relatively free; easy; and affluent—is not the life led by most people—past or present。 By being a mother; I seem to have acquired automatic membership into a universal club made up of uncertainties and vulnerabilities。 limitations and difficulties; and sometimes; unsolvable problems。 Of course; the club has its benefits; too。
亲爱的母亲(3)
When Jana wakes from her afternoon nap and; so happy to see me; gives me her radiant full…face smile; I smile back and feel on my own face the smile you used to give me when I woke up in the morning。 Or; when Jana does something particularly cute; I’ll glance up at Gary; and in the look we exchange I see the one I remember crossing between you and dad at opposite ends of the dinner table。 It was a look full of feelings I never knew until now。
When I hold Jana close to me and look down to see my hand tight across her chest。 Or when I tuck a blanket around her while she sleeps and touch the skin of her cheek。 I see your hands (those hardworking hands with their smooth oval nails; steady and capable and caring) doing the same things。 Then I feel as if some of the love and security you gave to me through those hands is now in mine; as I pass that Iove on to Jana。
The other day Jana fell asleep against my arm。 I must have spent fifteen or twenty minutes staring at her; marveling at the wheat color of her hair; the suppleness of her skin; her perfect tiny red mouth; moving now and then in sleep。 What a rush I felt; of love and wonder; of care and luck; and more。 I suddenly remembered something I saw on your face last summer; when I was home on a visit shortly after Jana’s birth。
We were sitting on the glider swing in the backyard。 It was a lovely morning; cool there in the shade; and the air was full of fragrance from your rose garden。 I was holding Jana; who seemed to enjoy the gentle movement of the swing。
But I wasn’t enjoying anything just then。 I’d had a rough night。 Jana was six weeks old and had been up every few hours。 I; fretful and nervous as only a new mother can be; had been having trouble falling back to sleep between her feedings。 I was cranky and tired; and not feeling cheerful about this motherhood business at all。
Sitting on the glider; we talked—or rather; I talked; letting loose my load of anxiety and frustrations on you。 And out of the blue; you reached over to touch my hair。
“It’s so pretty。” you said; an odd expression on your face。 “The way the sun is hitting it just now。。。 I never noticed you had so many red highlights before。”
A little embarrassed; preoccupied2 with other tho